Things (1989) Movie Review

My first time watching Things I was rendered speechless. When the film ends a title card displays the words: “You have just experienced Things“. That sums it up perfectly, I didn’t watch it, I experienced it. The question is, what the Hell had I experienced? Twenty-four hours later I still wasn’t completely sure. I was starting to question whether I had actually watched Things or if it had all just been a bizarre dream. So I decided to watch it again. The second viewing confirmed that I hadn’t dreamed the whole thing up, so I needed to start working on a review. A week passed as I mulled it over, trying desperately to put what I had witnessed into words. But I still had nothing. There was no other option but to watch Things for the third time.

With three viewings now under my belt my thoughts were becoming clearer, but I still had one big question. Was Things the greatest movie I’d ever seen or the worst? Is it possible it could be both? Of course not, and yet Things is just that, the quintessential so-bad-it’s-good movie. Once you experience it it will become the barometer you use to measure all other bad movies against. And it will beat them. All of them. Every time.

Things: Made in Canada

Andrew Jordan and Barry J Gillis shot Things on super-8 and released it directly to the home video market. The result of two friends who shared a love of horror films and just wanted to make their own movie.

The plot involves a group of friends at a cabin in the woods getting attacked by the titular things. There’s a little more to it than that, but you don’t watch Things for the plot. You watch for the mind-numbing dialog that will make you hit rewind as you ask yourself, “Did he really just say that”? You watch for the surreal red, green and blue lighting that illuminates the horrible acting. You also watch for the surreal dubbing, that makes a scene as simple as wiping up blood with a paper towel interesting. And last but certainly not least, you watch for the music. The soundtrack by Stryk-9 and Familiar Strangers combined with the eerie piano score is the perfect cherry on top of the experience known as Things.

If you’re more a fan of mainstream horror, or if so-bad-it’s-good movies just aren’t for you, pass on this one. To everyone else, you must see this film. Things is a masterpiece in its own way and I can not recommend it enough.


Things DVD

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